Overjoyed to be letting in

Tonight was a night of many firsts for me. First of all, it was the first Christmas eve in 25 years that I did not spend it with my family. Being fully aware that this would be the first year ever that I would be unable to partake in the holiday festivities with my family definitely dealt its share of sadness and left me feeling somewhat away from what was. The days leading up until now were spent mostly in bed and partly on the computer. Thankfully I’ve received enough rest as of late to undoubtedly last most of 2007 and perhaps into 2008. Kidding.

Tonight I left the house for the first time, well since yesterday. (I attempted to drive home, but about an hour away from SF I decided it wasn’t a hot idea, so I turned around and came back.) I went to Walgreens and bought a bag of beef jerky and a Diet Pepsi. It would be my Christmas dinner. Mmm. The night I had for days feared was unfolding in a not so bad after all kind of way. Everybody on the street smiled to me as I smiled back in kind. To my surprise, Starbucks was open so I stopped in for a warm drink. The barista was happy which played a part in elevating my mood. I took my coffee and decided I would spend the next bit driving around.

As I drove toward my favorite part of town, I in a way transcended space and time. (Yes, this can be a really bad thing if done while driving.) Thankfully I didn’t run the red light that I was most certainly about to run. Anyway, as I drove, instead of me hitting something, something hit me. Not something physical though, a thought. The thought that, oh my gosh, I’m amazed at how few people celebrate Christmas. This of course being concluded by the scarcely placed decorations around the town. I went on to realize that I, too, did not celebrate Christmas. I realized that this year would not only be the first year I would spend Christmas alone, but it was also the first year I fully understood why I would not be celebrating Christmas at all. *cue the ironic angels and trumpets here*

With my mood in somewhat of a heavenly state, I couldn’t help but transfer my thoughts to something else that’s been fuel in my fire lately. I’ve been known on rare occasion to have a little crush. And though it doesn’t happen often, it takes a special someone to grab my attention. Another first to add to tonight’s list: I realized, for the first time, that if I’m going to succeed on this front, that I must first learn to let in. I’ve for so long pretended to be self-sufficient and needless. In a sense, I’ve forgotten what it’s like to share myself with someone and at first glance, I might appear to be cold and disinterested. Please know that that’s anything but the case… I’m thrilled to let you in! :)

Add comment December 24th, 2006

Sweet crusader

What’s the matter, Mary Jane? Had a hard day, as you place the don’t disturb sign on the door. You lost your place in line again; what a pity. You never seem to want to dance anymore. It’s a long way down on this roller coaster; the last chance streetcar went off the track, and you’re on it.

I hear you’re counting sheep again, Mary Jane. What’s the point of trying to dream anymore? I hear you’re losing weight again, Mary Jane. Do you ever wonder who you’re losing it for? Well it’s full speed, baby, in the wrong direction. There’s a few more bruises if that’s the way you insist on heading.

Please be honest, Mary Jane. Are you happy? Please don’t censor your tears. You’re a sweet crusader, and you’re on your way. You’re the last great innocent, and that’s why I love you. So take this moment, Mary Jane, and be selfish. Worry not about the cars that go by. All that matters, Mary Jane, is your freedom, so keep warm my dear, keep dry! Tell me. Tell me. What’s the matter, Mary Jane?

Mary Jane by Alanis Morissette

Buy the song from iTunes.

Add comment December 10th, 2006

Self portrait

 
Of what is significant in one’s own existence one is hardly aware, and it certainly should not bother the other fellow. What does a fish know about the water in which he swims all his life?

The bitter and the sweet come from the outside, the hard from within, from one’s own efforts. For the most part I do the thing which my own nature drives me to do. It is embarrassing to earn so much respect and love for it. Arrows of hate have been shot at me too; but they never hit me, because somehow they belonged to another world, with which I have no connection whatsoever.

I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity.

Add comment December 7th, 2006